Category Archives: Challanges

Reblog: Pick Up Your Cross, Not Your Political Pitchfork: How to be friends with different viewpoints

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Morning by Morning

by Kristin Nave

We never should have been friends.

At least, that’s what we laugh about, as Shivangi, one of my best friends tells me, “Kristin, I never thought I’d want to be friends with someone like you.”

Shivangi’s and my backgrounds are strikingly different. Born in India and raised with Hinduism, Shivangi and her family immigrated to the U.S. at a young age. Her childhood and teen years were plagued by financial strain and bullying-her darker skin a target. I grew up in a wealthy community in Southern California, and sports, cheerleading, friends, boys, and cute clothes were what consumed my mind, while attending a church youth group on the side.

Yet when we met as adults, we were both married, had young children, attended the same church, and lived in the same neighborhood. But more salient than the similarities we shared, and deeper than the clear differences that still remained, was the bond we had through both being radically changed in young adulthood by the grace of God and growing a love for Jesus. The friendship we grew was sweet and life-giving.

So when we found ourselves accidentally stumbling into a political conversation one night (and many thereafter), we knew we were treading into dangerous waters. Though neither of us fit squarely in one political party, we found ourselves on opposite ends of the spectrum in a handful of areas. We only had to look around at the bitter political climate around us to know we might have been facing a hurricane in our relationship.

The present political atmosphere can feel to me like a vengeful war of landmines and verbal grenades that flood our governing leaders’ interactions, cloud our social media and news channels, and pollute our relationships. It’s easy to grow tired of the name-calling, mean and spiteful comments, the bitter arguments, the slander, and the inflammatory rhetoric – all in the name of “passion” and “right views.” I recently read a tragic story of three grown siblings that were once very close, raising their children and spending ample amounts of time together in the same town; they now completely avoid each other because of horrible political arguments. The siblings’ eighty-six-year-old mother, near her deathbed, is devastated.

Political conversations are destroying relationships, and perhaps even worse, dividing churches.

And yet as Shivangi and I left our political conversations, we weren’t emotionally bruised and bloodied, and we weren’t simply surviving in our friendship, but actually thriving. We have since asked ourselves: What was it? What enabled us to navigate through these muddy waters and be closer than ever before? We discovered that the main, underlying ingredient infused deep within our conversations was: Humility.

Humility was not put on in our own strength as a behavioral band-aid, but it was given by God himself and injected deep within our hearts.  James 1:21 says, “In humility receive the word implanted,” and we saw this word in action. Our humility was:

–Being quick to listen, and slow to speak (Jas 1:19).

-Not having to give up our own interests, but being willing to look at and care about the interests of each other, including political interests (Phil 2:4).

-Admitting that some political issues are not clearly expressed in Scripture, and we can only understand God’s heart on some of these issues and what He desires in a limited way (1 Cor 13:12).

-Laying aside any selfish ambition or empty pride, and thinking of each other better than ourselves (Phil 2:3).

-Admitting that we are not God (Isa 45:5)…and God is not a Democrat, a Republican, or any other political party.

-Being able to disagree respectfully on the minor issues, but ultimately, to “agree in the Lord” (Phil 4:2).

And even in the midst of the humility God gave us, we made mistakes. I made arrogant assumptions. I was unintentionally offensive at times. I misunderstood. She unintentionally hurt and offended me. She made wrong categorizations. But she was safe, because she was humble. She was safe for me to make mistakes, to share viewpoints I knew needed correction, because in humility she loved me.  And I did the same for her.

Humility allowed us to thrive in political conversations, not simply survive, because we were more committed to growing closer to Christ and his heart than we were about winning a debate. Indeed, we spoke truth and disagreed at times, but the truth we spoke sought to be in service to one another and to God, not just from a desire to be “right.” God clothed us in compassion, because of the call, “In humility, count others more significant than yourselves” (Phil 2:3). We’ve left our conversations closer, not more divided. And while some of our viewpoints are more aligned than they ever have been, many still remain far apart.

We can maintain our unity in God during these conversations if we lay down our political pitchforks and pick up our cross – the cross of walking in a manner of which we have been called, as Christians, as those who bear the name of Christ and the light of hope in this world:

    With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. – Ephesians 4:2 

TED Talk: Want to change the world? Start by being brave enough to care

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Artist and poet Cleo Wade recites a moving poem about being an advocate for love and acceptance in a time when both seem in short supply. Woven between stories of people at the beginning and end of their lives, she shares some truths about growing up (and speaking up) and reflects on the wisdom of a life well-lived, leaving us with a simple yet enduring takeaway: be good to yourself, be good to others, be good to the earth. “The world will say to you, ‘Be a better person,'” Wade says. “Do not be afraid to say, ‘Yes.'”

Reblog: The Lingering Stench of Sin

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by Tim Challies

We used to live on the fringes of a small town surrounded by farmland. We quickly learned that of all the farm creatures in the world, pigs must be the stinkiest. It was not unusual to drive down the highway on a hot summer afternoon and to begin to detect a faint whiff of pig manure in the air. As we kept driving the smell would get stronger and we’d soon spot a truck in the distance ahead of us. Drawing closer, almost choked by the reek, we’d see that, sure enough, it was stuffed full of pigs on their way to the slaughterhouse. These pigs were so smelly that they would leave a trail of stink that would stretch for miles and linger for hours.

This world reeks of troubles and sorrows. Sometimes we are innocent victims of other people’s sin and sometimes we are willing participants who cause trouble all our own. At other times we are simply caught up in the stink of a sinful world. In any case, we are regularly called upon to respond to situations that are difficult or even excruciating. How can we respond? How should we respond? What’s the best way to bring hope, to bring healing?

The problem with sin is that it is too dreadful, too ugly, too pernicious to allow solutions that are perfectly clean and neat. Instead, a stink lingers in the aftermath of any great sin. We long for good solutions or even perfect ones, but invariably there are only mediocre and bad and worse ones. Sin is too sinful to allow perfection.

I think of people I’ve known whose marriage has been rocked when one spouse admitted to an addiction or an affair. Their friends, their church, and their family offered supported and gave counsel. But there was no neat and tidy way to heal a devastated relationship. There was no clean and easy way to dissolve a broken marriage. It was never a matter of finding a perfect solution, but of finding the least bad one. Why? Because sin is messy. It leaves a stink in its wake. We pray earnestly, we labor faithfully, but all the while we acknowledge our insufficiency. We acknowledge that even our best efforts will be imperfect.

I think of churches whose pastor failed to keep a close watch on his doctrine and began to lead his church into error. Some of the church identified the sin and expressed concern; some of the church embraced the sin and expressed admiration. Words were thrown, sides were taken, rifts were opened. People offered their solutions, but none of them was perfect, none was just right. Why? Because sin is too sinful, and the stink lingered in the aftermath. It would be naive to expect a perfect solution to such an evil problem.

Sadly, there will always be little messes in the wake of big messes, little hurts in the wake of big hurts, unanswered questions in the wake of attempted solutions. Where there is great sin, there will be great stink. We ought to labor to find the best possible solutions, to bring the deepest and truest healing. But we simply can’t expect there will be perfect solutions to messy problems. Not on this side of heaven, at least. The stink of sin always lingers.

Find the original article here.

Jamie’s Car Buying Experience

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So the used car shopping is quite the experience. Thankfully we were not rushed to make a decision. We waited for the right car and after the first two months of car ownership, Jamie still loves it. God came through and I am very thankful.

I wanted to document our resources in case we ever have to do this again:

My brother pointed us to kkb.com which is the Kelly Blue Book site. That was very helpful and also carcomplaints.com which also took a lot of the guess work out of knowing one bad model or year from another. A friend also gave us Edmunds.com which is a site the used car salesman use to find internet deals from other dealerships. I contacted AAA because they have a car buying service for their customers but they didn’t deal with car in the price range we were looking. I may use them if I ever need a different car.

Congratulations to Jamie for another giant step into adulthood!

Reblog: 10 of the Greatest Leadership Questions Ever Asked

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by Ron Edmondson

Have you ever heard the phrase, “There are no bad questions”?

In leadership, this might be true.

I have learned in my years of leadership – I only know what I know. And, many times I don’t know much. There are often things among the people I am trying to lead which I need to know – and, for whatever reason – I won’t know unless I ask. Which means I must continually ask lots of questions.

One of the best skills a leader can develop is the art of asking the right questions – and, even better – at the right times.

Here are 10 of the greatest leadership questions ever asked:

  1. How can I help you?
  2. What is the biggest challenge you have to being successful here?
  3. Do you understand what I’ve asked you to do?
  4. What am I missing or what would you do differently if you were me?
  5. What do you see I can’t see?
  6. How can I improve as your leader?
  7. If we had authority to do anything – and money was no barrier – what would you like to see us do as a team/organization?
  8. Where do you see yourself someday and how can I assist you in getting there?
  9. What are you currently learning which can help all of us?
  10. How are you doing in your personal life and is there any way I can help you?

You can rephrase these for your context and within the relationships you have with people with whom you serve. You can certainly add your own questions. But, if you are attempting to lead people, may I suggest you start asking questions.

Find the original post here.

Reblog: 9 More Ways to Love Yourself

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by Sharon Martin, LCSW

Over and over again I see people struggling at work and in their relationships because they don’t feel worthy and lovable; they don’t love themselves. I’ve come to recognize that self-love isn’t selfish or strange or conceited. In my opinion, loving yourself is the cornerstone of good mental health. So, after writing 9 Simple Ways to Love Yourself, I decided it was worth giving you nine more ways to love yourself.

1. Honor your feelings. As a society, we are uncomfortable with feelings, especially the “unpleasant” ones. We prefer to numb out with alcohol, food, electronics, pornography, and busyness. We pretend we’re “fine” when we’re really very far from fine.

Feelings don’t just go away when you avoid them. They will show up at another time in another way. There really isn’t any way of avoiding them; you have to go through them. This is why honoring your feelings is a gift you give yourself. It’s a way of validating your experiences.

Feelings are also windows into what you really need. For example, you anger might be telling you that you’re overworked and tired. When you ignore your feelings, you can’t meet your own basic needs.

One of the exercises I commonly give to my therapy clients is to start regularly checking in with your feelings. Simply take a few minutes, be quiet, reflect, and pay attention to your feelings. When you’re not in the habit of doing this, it feels foreign, but the more you do it, the more natural it becomes. Eventually, it becomes automatic and you gain a deeper understanding of yourself.

2. Accept compliments from others.  Many people have a bad habit of dismissing compliments because they feel uncomfortable with the focus on themselves and doubt whether the compliment is true. If you feel uncomfortable, try the compliment on and consider whether the person offering it is being true and honest. People generally give compliments because they care about and respect you.

The compliment-giver is offering you kindness and positive energy that you deserve to benefit from. When you dismiss it, you’re also denying the compliment-giver the pleasure of giving you this gift.

3. Cut yourself some slack. Loving yourself means offering yourself grace when you mess up. It means not expecting perfection. It means resting when you need to rather than pushing through the pain. Notice when you’re judging yourself with hindsight and forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know.

4. Care for your body. Taking care of your body is one of the most basic ways to love yourself. Everything really is much harder when your health is suffering. I find that often people (including me) take their bodies for granted. You’re probably keenly aware of your physical ailments or limitations. Instead of focusing on them, try being grateful for what your body can do. You can either hate your body for having jiggley thighs or you can choose to appreciate your legs for supporting you and carrying you all day long. Caring for your body includes the obvious things like eating nutritiously, getting enough sleep and exercising, but it can also means soaking in a hot tub or asking your partner for a foot massage.

5. Allow yourself to dream. When you love yourself, you have hope for the future. You have dreams and goals and ideas; you allow yourself to imagine yourself doing and going great places. Try a new hobby or do something off your bucket list to show yourself that you matter.

6. Express your opinions. Your opinions and thoughts are just as important and valid as everyone else’s. You don’t have to defer to others as if they know more or are more important than you are. Thoughtfully expressing your opinions is a reflection of self-respect.  If this is hard for you, start small and with safer people until you build up your confidence.

7. Build relationships. Healthy relationships are good for everyone. Research shows that people with strong social support networks are healthier, happier, and live longer. If you’re an introvert, highly sensitive person, or have anxiety or another mental health problem, it can be hard to build connections with others. You don’t necessarily need a huge circle of friends, but you do need a handful of people that you enjoy and can count on. Not having a lot of friends is nothing to be embarrassed about. With deliberate effort, most people can build positive relationships. Look for opportunities in the places you visit regularly whether that’s church or a coffee shop or school or even online.

8. Invest in self-improvement. I see the desire to improve yourself as an indication that you value yourself. We all have things we’d like to improve, but not everyone will invest the time and money in themselves to actually do the work. Self-improvement comes in many forms – going to therapy, reading a self-help book, listening to podcasts, reading this blog, attending a support group. When you love yourself, you’ll want to improve not because you’re “broken” or want to please someone else, but because you care about yourself. I’m reminded of one of my favorite quotes from psychologist Carl Rogers: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” The desire for self-improvement doesn’t come from self-loathing, it comes from self-acceptance.

9. Don’t accept all negative criticism as Gospel. Do yourself a favor and look at criticism with a curious mind.  Explore the validity of the criticism logically, rather than immediately jumping to defensiveness or self-criticism. Loving yourself means that you can accept and take responsibility for your mistakes or faults, but you don’t take responsibility for everything that goes wrong; you thoughtfully consider whether the criticism is true.

I hope you will add these nine ways to practice self-compassion to your arsenal of self-love. Which one will you try to use today?

Check out Sharon’s blog for the original post.

TED Talk: Own Your Body’s Data

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The new breed of high-tech self-monitors (measuring heartrate, sleep, steps per day) might seem targeted at competitive athletes. But Talithia Williams, a statistician, makes a compelling case that all of us should be measuring and recording simple data about our bodies every day — because our own data can reveal much more than even our doctors may know.

TED Talk: How to raise successful kids — without over-parenting

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By loading kids with high expectations and micromanaging their lives at every turn, parents aren’t actually helping. At least, that’s how Julie Lythcott-Haims sees it. With passion and wry humor, the former Dean of Freshmen at Stanford makes the case for parents to stop defining their children’s success via grades and test scores. Instead, she says, they should focus on providing the oldest idea of all: unconditional love.